Why is the 2nd Year So Hard?

A good friend of mine lost her son this summer unexpectedly. Just like we did with Aiden. Her son was in his 20’s. Aiden was 6 days shy of his 11th birthday.

Their age doesn’t matter. Losing a child of any age is excrutiating.

Immediately upon learning of the loss of their son, I instantly burst into tears. I wasn’t just crying. I was snotting and gasping for air. The thought that a dear friend was now experiencing the worst event of life, my mind was flooded with the pain and sorrow that lies ahead. The sleepless nights. The numbness. The ache and longing for life to go back to having your child with you.

My mind jumped ahead to how the numbness would wear off in a few weeks or months to be left with a hole in your heart. Also, how quickly life could go from thinking most days are not too bad (before the loss) to living everyday heartbroken (after).

As I reached out daily to my friend, she asked me a question that I had not pondered up until then.

She texted: “I know the 1st year is going to be tough with all the firsts. Why is the 2nd year so hard?”

I had to really ponder the answer as no one had asked me this before. I hadn’t even considered it myself until this moment. It didn’t take long to find my answer. I replied: “Because everyone else around you moves on, but you. You will always have this missing piece. That never changes.”

She replied: “I feel like I can’t do it”.

I replied: “You can’t do it without God. He will give you the comfort and strength each day if He wakes you up and has a purpose for you. Some days, it’s to be a mother to your other child or children. They deserve to have a mom who will love them and celebrate their life because they are still here.”

She thanked me for the answer and the heads up.

I thanked her for the question.

As I ponder this question a little further, I think every year will be hard in its own way, for its own reasons.

I have 2 good friends, who are older than me and retired now, who are 30+ years out from losing their son and daughter. They both exemplify the faith and strength I hope to have each day walking this journey.

So if you have lost a child, talk about them often AND do the things they loved to do. Honor their legacy by keeping their memory and passions alive.

If you know someone who has lost a child, don’t be afraid to bring up their child’s name. Share a story you have with their child or ask them to tell you a story, especially in year 2. You will likely see their face light up because you thought of their child and cared enough to remember them.